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Jan. 16th, 2008 @ 09:04 am Maybe it's time.
EDIT: You can find my new LJ at miss_psychosis
I added people as friends who update or comment on my journal once in a blue moon. If for some reason, I left you out, feel free to comment somewhere.

You know, this journal was started when I began high school, and now that I'm done with it... I dunno, maybe I should make a new LJ. A new chapter in my life, maybe. You all can see how decisive I am.

A lot of things happened in those four years. Let's go through and recap:

2004 was the year I met Lucy. 4 years later I find out she completely betrayed me and abused my trust. I don't even know who she is, and I feel so foolish for getting so wrapped up in her. Still, she (he?) was a good friend and probably kept me from killing myself several times. But seriously... good riddance.

2004 was my "Hot Topic" phase. Thank Satan I'm through with that (it didn't last long, BTW) Oh, that's right, I was still in my bisexual phase then, too. It was about 2005 that I was like, "Dude, you are totally a dyke."

And oh yes, can't forget Laura. What a debacle. I don't know where she is right now, she could still be in California. Hell, she could be married with children for all I know. Still... there are many things I would say to her now if she decided to come back. I still think about her from time to time. It amuses me reading posts from November 04 when I was just SOOOO INFATUATED! *shrugs* I think everyone goes through that at least once. Really, though, those four months were the best time of my life. They still are. I'll be very lucky indeed if I find someone that makes me as deliriously happy as she did. *snickers* Here's an entry from March 16th, 2005, five days after she flipped out at me (yeah, good way to ruin a birthday):
"I would like all of you to know that Laura is a SELF-CENTERED, STUBBORN, EVIL FUCKING BITCH. I am so fucking sick of her. I'm tired of being drawn to her. I'm tired of being abused by her. I'm tired of her making me think everything is my fault. News flash, honey: I'M HUMAN. I MAKE MISTAKES. GET THE FUCK OVER IT. She disgusts me. I'm getting her out of my mind, once and for all. I don't need her." Damn, reading through the archives, March was just one big roller coaster! Nice to know things haven't changed.

Yep, went through the "I hate everyone" phase. Only got out of that like, uh, last Thursday.

lmao. December 1st, 2004, I wrote: "I've finally completely out of my depression. ABOUT DAMN TIME!" BWAHAHAHA sorry sweetie, you've got a long road ahead of you!

Oh, that's right! My internet time was limited to 1 hour at that time! Oh man, so glad the 'rents stopped doing that.

A big theme in this LJ seems to be posting the lyrics to songs that kinda sorta hint at my feelings but not really. You know, because talking about your feelings is for GIRLS! Oh. Wait.

April 2005 was the month of Becca-hate.

June 2005: Lucy drama.

September 15th, 2005. I question Lucy's sincerity for the first time and have a major panic attack over it.

Sep 20: A fabulous quote from Becca to me: "if you didn't hate me, I'd totally bang you."

In October of that year was my first trip to a shrink (I still see her occasionally, by the way)

December 05 my grandpa died. I think I deleted all the entries related to that.

January 22nd 2006: I attempt a reconciliation with Laura. It fails.

February 06 I relapse yet again.

March 06 I stop taking Prozac.

May 06: I try going out with Becca. That lasted, what, four months? Until she freaked out and blamed it on me, anyway.

June 24th 2006: I come out to my mom, she is not surprised.

July 19th, 2006: If you can't tell, almost the entire post is about how my trust for Lucy was beginning to fail. http://winkybunion1.livejournal.com/2006/07/19/

August 9th, 2006: I go to GenCon! Huzzah.

September 15th, 2006: I meet Phoebe! Wait, who is that again? Ha. I KEED, I KEED!

October 14th, 2006: Went to see Evanescence at the Rave in Milwaukee. Worst. Concert. Ever.

November 1st, 2006: A rant about high school. I'm glad that's over. Also a confession.

January 1st, 2007: I'm pretty sure I failed all these resolutions.

Late January, early February: Becca and Kim have a fiasco. I, thankfully, am merely a spectator.

just a reminder of why I'm moving to the Netherlands: http://winkybunion1.livejournal.com/135598.html#cutid1

Late February: I try polyphasic sleeping and figure out that it's really not compatible with my schedule.

March 11th, 2007: I have my first real birthday party!

Late March thru April: The Germans are here

April 10th, 2007: Lucy falls off the face of the internet.

June 2007: I go to Germany. BIG FAILURE. Also, my dog dies.

July 2007: I get put on Welbutrin and become a porn addict (just kidding)

September 2007: I stop volunteering for the shelter. I also get a dog! His name is George.

October 2007: This is a fun post: http://winkybunion1.livejournal.com/2007/10/20/
Also: I go to see Nightwish in concert! Best day evar!

December 2007: Start working at Mounds. Angst over cute coworker. I basically ruin Christmas. Probably the all-around worst month I've ever had; culminating in my Dec 29th post. Yeah, Ashley tried to kill herself again, but shhh, don't tell anyone.

Which brings us to today. Yes, I think I will start a new LJ, but leave this one up when I feel like being nostalgic. But really, it's so fucking embarrassing.
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Jan. 15th, 2008 @ 08:56 pm (no subject)
I've always wanted a good, thorough essay on the reasons why I think vegetarianism is silly and unnatural. And I found one! Enjoy, my fellow omnivores.

http://www.second-opinions.co.uk/vegetarian.html
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Jan. 14th, 2008 @ 09:08 am omfg
Okay. Two things today. One. Wisconsin is becoming a nanny state. Talks are starting about making the smoking ban statewide. Now it's no secret that I think (cigarette) smoking is incredibly stupid, but seriously, how about you let the OWNER of the restaurant decide what goes on in there? Next thing you know we'll be banning trans fats like NY. Gimme a break.

Second. An 11-second food fight happened at Monona Grove. Full article here. They got disorderly conduct, 4 day suspension, and banishment from the cafeteria. And still people are calling for more punishment. WTF? Over a god damn food fight?! Christ, kids can't have some fun in school, apparently. Just make them help clean up the mess. Stupid.
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Dec. 29th, 2007 @ 09:45 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: indescribable
So I've been feeling really shitty lately. And it's not just mentally, either. I've had horrible nausea, and I'm thinking it's from the new medication I'm on. Yeah, I got taken off of Effexor and put on Cymbalta. It's stupid and I'm sick of it and I've felt more suicidal this past month than I ever have before. And my grades totally suck and I'm getting in trouble because of it. Yeah, I'm going to school and working over 20 hours a week while feeling like absolute shit, my grades aren't gonna be straight fuckin' A's like they used to be. And, according to my parents, this is just a taste of the "REAL WORLD," whatever the fuck that is. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if this is what the real world is, I don't want to live in it! Fuck 40 hours a week in a god damn 4x4 white cubicle! I'm not doing it! And so I get called a fucking quitter. Yeah, I'm a fucking quitter. Because you know, that's all suicide really is, isn't it? I'm not man enough to take on the "real world" so I give the finger to everyone and off myself because I'M A FUCKING QUITTER!

I have two therapists and a massive amount of medication flooding my synapses, and it's not doing shit. I've had to talk to the school counselor and my grandma thinks I should be put in a psych ward. Yes, I'm fucking serious. I feel stressed out all the time and I'm constantly crying--in fact, I'm doing it again right now. It's like I'm suspended between life and death, and I'm too damn lazy to cross either of those lines. It's like I want a temporary death, so I can just STOP for a few MINUTES and then come back, because I'm running myself into the FUCKING GROUND here!! And I have to fucking go to work tomorrow, and the only day I get off this week is New Year's, but you can bet if it wasn't a holiday I'd be working. Part of me just wishes they would fire me so I can just REST. Is that too fucking much to ask?! And everyone's gotten so used to my feeling this way that they don't even notice anymore. "Oh, it's just Ashley in one of her moods, give her an hour and she'll be fine." Fuck you. IT'S BEEN A DECADE, I THINK IT'LL TAKE MORE THAN AN HOUR TO FIX ME. A decade. Just thinking of that makes me feel worse. I'm only 17 fucking years old, for Chrissake, but I feel more like 117.

"You can do anything you can put your mind to" "You're stronger than this" "You can beat this if you just start thinking happy thoughts" BLAH BLAH BLAH. Guess what. You've failed me as friends, you've failed me as parents, you've failed me as doctors. That's why I'm sitting here in the fucking dark in my room bawling my eyes out, because you don't bother to see past the fake smile. But no. It's my fault, because I'm IRRESPONSIBLE AND IMMATURE AND A FAILURE. You don't have to tell me. What's that? I'm bitter? You're fucking right I'm bitter. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to eat, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to shower. My body's made of lead and there's acid in my veins.

I'M FUCKING SICK I'M FUCKING SICK I'M FUCKING SICK.

But don't worry yourselves, my friends, because I'm just in one of my moods. I'm sure I'll be fine in an hour, right?

Right?
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Dec. 17th, 2007 @ 10:50 am #3
So I have a pretty substantial crush on one of my leads at work. I'm proceeding carefully.
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Dec. 9th, 2007 @ 07:51 pm #2
Current Mood: bitchybitchy
So that part where I said "every day?" Yeah, so I lied. Whatever. Also, my paint program is being a right bastard, so today's secret will be text only!

#2: "I LOVE watching you struggle during the clay unit!"

Backstory:
There is this girl in my art class, a junior. Everyone just FAWNS over her because she's just SO GOOD at art OMFG. I even thought so, too, for a little while, until I started noticing a pattern: she would NEVER draw anything of her own creation! Yeah, because you're totally a great artist if you copy pictures out of a magazine or something you printed off the internet. All that says to me is that you have good attention to detail and know how to use a blending tortillion. Big fucking deal! You're not an artist! And don't give me that bullshit that "artist is a subjective word!" If you can't use your own imagination, artistic skills aside, you are not an artist! You're a plagiarist!! And I'm fucking SICK and TIRED of everyone WORSHIPING YOU!!

A conversation we had several months ago:
Me: *glances over at what she's copying* "Looks nice."
Her: "Oh, thanks. It's taking forever."
Me: "So when are you going to start drawing some of your own stuff?"
Her: "Oh, I really suck at that." *pause* "Is that what you do?"
Me: *walking away* "That's art."

So yes, she is expressing frustration during the clay unit because now she has nothing to plagiarize and she can't come up with anything on her own. I love it.

This has nothing to do with it, but she's also an obnoxious uber-Christian who freaks out when you say "Oh my god" and refuses to listen to music that's "not Christian." Uh............... 'kay. She also thinks she's some kind of rebel because she buys Volcom and likes skateboarding. I went through that phase, too.... in 7th grade.

I'm willing to bet that at first glance the above rant appears to be jealousy on my part; I assure you that it's most certainly NOT. I would NEVER want stupendous plagiarizing skills over having an imagination. You can learn to draw better by practice; you can never learn to think for yourself if you don't already.
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Dec. 5th, 2007 @ 11:35 pm (no subject)
So I'm going to do a little PostSecret thing. Every day or so I'm gonna find something that I haven't told anyone (or have only told one person) (or have kind of hinted at but never really told anyone flat-out). These will be public.

For the first:



Seriously. You have no idea.
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Feb. 8th, 2005 @ 10:45 pm Well...
friends only
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Nov. 18th, 2004 @ 07:41 am *sigh*
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: Seether - "Fuck It"
Jesus freakin' Christ on a pogo stick! She's got a girlfriend! FUCK! I've been oggling at her for DAYS, only to discover she's GOT A GOD DAMN GIRLFRIEND! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! I finally found what seems to be the only non-straight girl in our entire friggin' school, only to find out that SHE'S TAKEN! So now it doesn't even MATTER that I'm too damn shy to talk to her, because it'll be a COLD DAY IN HELL that I'll ever hook up with her!

All I have to do is walk up to her and say "Hi." But no, I CAN'T! And I wonder why I seem to be the only girl in school without a boyfriend! That's right, you bastards, ignore the shy girl hiding in the corner, go talk to the ditzy 5' blonde in the center of attention, even if I've got more personality in my snot than she has in HER ENTIRE FUCKING BODY!

God, I am so pissed off at myself right now... if you can find a way to make me happy, please, PLEASE do it.
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Nov. 15th, 2004 @ 08:29 pm Blahblahblahblah
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Current Music: Angelfish - "Dogs In A Cage"
Well, today was interesting, to say the least.

As a few of you might know, I'm severly aquaphobic. So when our swim unit in Phy. Ed. comes around, it sure as hell don't bode well for me. Anyway, I was a complete nervous wreck last night. Ack, it was horrible.

I get to school today, and discover that... THE POOL WAS BROKEN! YEEEEEEEEEEES! *dances a happy dance*

Later, in English class... yeah, so we're doing a little performance of Romeo and Juliet, and I'm Romeo, and Martin's Juliet (don't ask why, I know nothing). Anyway, I'm a little, shall we say.... TALL, and Martin's a good ten inches shorter than me, so it was unintentionally hilarious. I was trying to not burst into hysterical laughter the whole time.

In other news, my head hurts. I was jumping around in my room, and my head met the ceiling. And it hurt. And Lucy made fun of me. And a little while later, I was fumbling around in the dark (without my glasses even), and I slipped, and fell, and WHAM! banged my chin right into my METAL FOLDING CHAIR! It hurts like hell.

Wow, what an exciting day... I'm gonna go bitch and moan about my injuries now. Later.
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